Answering Machine
by sparkstoaflame
Summary: Wherein Korra and Asami are just lost on a road in the middle of nowhere, and Bolin's just trying to order takeout, and the only thing Mako wants back are his pants. One-shot.


**author's note** | i'm sooooo sorry for doing this complete and utter nonsense D: (idea came from another fanfic)

i took many liberties with the characters' personalities, let's pretend that telephones have been invented, let's also pretend for a moment that team avatar has their own base, and finally let's pretend that i can write humor.

* * *

**Answering Machine**

_Canon/crack._

Wherein Korra and Asami are just lost on a road in the middle of nowhere, and Bolin's just trying to order takeout, and the only thing Mako wants back are his pants.

_If you're desperate, you can pass this off as Korrasami...or one-sided Tahnorra...or even Tahno/Bolin...but only if you're desperate..._

* * *

_["Hello! You have reached the number of Air Temple Island. Unfortunately, no one is available to take your call at the moment, but please leave a message after the beat. We'll try to return your call!"]_

_**BEEP.**_

**1.** "Hello? HELLO?! PICK UP, THIS IS KORRA! THE LOVABLE AVATAR! TENZZIIIIINNNNN! ARE YOU THERE?! PICK UP! HEY, IS THIS THING EVEN WORKING?" _{rustling sound}_ "ASAMI IS THIS THING WORKING IT ISN'T DOING ANYTHING IT ISN'T EVEN RINGING ANYMORE ASAMI YOUR FELLYTONE ISN'T WORKING RIGHT NOW—"

"Please stop shaking it in front of my face, I'm sitting right next to you and I'm trying to drive. And it's called a _telephone..."_

"WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE—TENZIN, PICK UP _RIGHT NOW PLEEEAAAAASE_ WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND ASAMI GOT US LOST AND WE'RE GONNA DIE—"

_{click}_

_["This message has been truncated due to its length. We apologize for the inconvenience!"]_

**.**

**.**

_["Hello! You have reached the number of Team Avatar. Unfortunately, no one is available to take your call at the moment, but please leave a message after the beat. We'll try to return your call!"]_

_**BEEP.**_

**2.** It's Bolin! Just leaving a message to say I'll be a little late running home. The takeout line's _really_ long...like really, really long...

_**BEEP.**_

**3.** Bolin, it's Mako. Have you seen my black pants? I know that I put them in my dresser last week, but now they're not there, and I left my spare pair in the lockers at the gym by accident. I'm at the docks. Call me back.

_**BEEP.**_

**4.** Hello, this is Officer Jing from the Metalbending Police Force. We have received reports concerning a tall madman dressed in a red scarf and a dark gray tunic behind the sheds near the ferry docks begging to some invisible human for his pants. He wearing red boxers and he is not wearing any pants. Just thought you should be notified, since we suspect that this man is a part of your "Team Avatar". Have a nice evening.

**.**

**.**

_[Air Temple Island]_

_**BEEP.**_

**5.** "We're _not_ going to die and I did _not_ get us lost! I mean, maybe if you hadn't been screaming in my ear for the last half hour—"

"—STUPID THING CUT ME OFF AGAIN; WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE SPIRITS ASAMI DID YOU EVEN GIVE ME THE RIGHT NUMBER 'CAUSE NO ONE'S PICKING UP—"

"—Korra, it's recording a message right now—"

"—WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT OF COURSE IT ISN'T—"

"—yes, it is, look at the little green light—"

"—OH, IT IS? FINE THEN TENZIN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HELP I'LL GET MAKO AND BOLIN—"

"—Korra, you aren't even making any sense right now—"

_{click}_

**.**

**.**

_[Team Avatar]_

_**BEEP.**_

**6.** Hey, Uh-vatar, I just thought I'd drop by and pay you a visit to deliver my dues...you know, for the whole returning my waterbending thing. Oh, and I'm coming over right now.

_**BEEP.**_

**7.** This is Bolin again! I got the noodles!

_**BEEP.**_

**8.** "MAKO, BOLIN, I'M LOST IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU _PICKED UP THE PHONE RIGHT NOW—"_

"Korra, you don't need to scream!"

"—WE'RE ON OUR WAY BACK FROM THAT FIRE NATION TRIP AND THEN ASAMI GOT US LOST—"

"For the last time, I didn't get us lost! And we're _not_ lost! We're just...slightly...off course...oh, for the spirits' sakes, give me back my phone!"

"—NO!" _{faint shriek}_ ANYWAYS—"

_{click}_

_**BEEP.**_

**9.** BOLIN, WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED MY PANTS BACK!

**.**

**.**

_["Hello! You have reached the number of Asami Sato. Unfortunately, this number is busy right now, and Asami Sato is unable to take your call. Please leave a message after the beat."]_

_**BEEP.**_

**10.** It's Bolin here! I'm on my way to the base, in case you were wondering...where are you guys, anyway? Tenzin said that you were supposed to come back with Korra a day ago...

**.**

**.**

_[Team Avatar]_

_**BEEP.**_

**11.** "—BECAUSE SHE SAID THAT THE MAP 'CLEARLY POINTED SOUTH' WHEN IT WAS OBVIOUSLY SHOWING EAST AND WHERE ARE YOU GUYS ANYWAY—"

_"Korra, give me back the stupid phone—"_

_{click}_

_**BEEP.**_

**12.** I'm right outside your door, Uh-vatar. C'mon, let me in, I can give you those private lessons right now if you want...

_**BEEP.**_

**13.** Bolin, hurry up! Jeez, I'm freezing my ass off out here—seriously, bro, where are you? _{sigh}_ Why the hell is there a police officer coming towards me...?

_**BEEP.**_

**14.** OI! I DEMAND THAT YOU LET ME INTO YOUR BASE OR I WILL BREAK THE DOOR DOWN—_AUGH!_

_{click}_

_**BEEP.**_

**15.** This is your Future Industries Red Alert security system, calling to alert you that an intruder has tried to break into your headquarters at approximately 1914 hours. We have apprehended this intruder and we urge you to return to your headquarters as soon as possible to deal with this potential threat.

**.**

**.**

_[Asami Sato]_

_**BEEP.**_

**16.** Asami? I'm almost there. I think I see someone passed out at the entrance...?

**.**

**.**

_[Air Temple Island]_

_**BEEP.**_

**17.** "—TENZIN CAN YOU HEAR ME OH SPIRITS PLEASE TELL ME YOU CAN—"

_"Give me back my phone!"_

_{crashing sound}_

_{silence}_

"...Oh shit..."

"SPIRITS NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE NOW WE'RE NEVER GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS DESERT—"

_{click}_

_**BEEP.**_

**18.** "Hello? Master Tenzin? This is Asami. _Um,_ I'm currently trapped in a Satomobile with Korra and I think that she's going nuts, and—_Korra, give that back to me right now—!"_

_"TENZIN WE CRASHED INTO A ROCK AND IT WAS REALLY BIG AND NOW THE SATOMOBILE IS FALLING APART AND IT WON'T WORK AND WE'RE TRAPPED FOREVER—HEY—!"_

"—don't listen to her; it's not that serious. It's only the front end of the car that's smashed in—"

_"ONLY THE FRONT END?! WHAT THE HELL, ASAMI—"_

_{click}_

_**BEEP.**_

**19.** "—WELL, MAYBE IF YOU HADN'T BEEN TRYING TO TAKE MY PHONE FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS SITUATION RIGHT NOW—"

"AND YOU'RE BLAMING THIS ON _ME?!"_

"I DEFINITELY AM—"

"YOU DON'T HAVE A RIGHT—_WHATTHEHELLASAMIPUTHTATTHINGAWAY—"_

_{electric crackle}_

_{click}_

**.**

**.**

_[Asami Sato]_

_**BEEP.**_

**20.** ASAMI WHY IS TAHNO HERE I MEAN HE'S PASSED OUT BUT WHY IS HE HERE—

**.**

**.**

_[Team Avatar]_

_**BEEP.**_

**21.** Hello, this is Officer Jing from the Metalbending Police Force again. We have detained the madman with the red scarf, whom we have identified as _Mako,_ due to numerous complaints from passerby. If one of you could please come to pick him up, it would be appreciated...

_**BEEP.**_

**22.** Th-this is Bolin. I got your messages. I am leaving a message for myself: keep Tahno locked in the broom closet. When Mako's picked up, make him drink plenty of water. Call Asami and Korra again and ask if they're okay. Ask Korra if she needs to see a therapist if she ever comes back—er, when she and Asami come back. And become part of the wall...in case Tahno escapes...I'm going to go now...

_**BEEP.**_

**23.** This is Asami Sato. Bolin, or Mako, my location is Fifteen Middle of Nowhere Drive. It's somewhere along the route between the Fire Nation and Republic City. Korra's passed out. Please get me out of here.

_**BEEP.**_

**24.** "Bolin? Mako, where are you? Get Tenzin. Or someone! Korra's waking up. _Can you please come already?!_ You know, she was kind of right about the stranded thing—oh spirits—"

"...NOW SHE ADMITS IT! GIMME THE—!"

"...Please shut up...BolinandMakowhenyougetthismessageandwegetoutofthismessI'mgoingtokillbothofyou—"

"—GUYSSSS THE SUN IS SETTING AND WE'RE STILL STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE—" _{loud thumping noises}_

_"Korra, stop it and what the hell are you doing to my phone—"_

_{static}_

_**BEEP.**_

**25.** This is your answering machine notifying you that you do not have any room left for more messages. We apologize for the inconvenience!

_**BEEP.**_


End file.
